me: uh yeah
me: if by dinner
me: you mean
me: 10 hamburgers
Dylan: lol jesus
Dylan: god save my colon
i went back to my very first page of likes
(Source: doubledamnit)Tags: #personal
yesterday was a day of introspection and trudging up things i had put to bed years ago
Honestly, and I don’t know how you feel about this, but it sounds like you have clinical anxiety. You don’t have to feel that way, you know. Do you have a doctor? Definitely this is something that could be really good to bring up with them?
Maybe? Possibly. I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 20 and stayed in therapy for about a year and a half. I’m currently on antidepressants which helps a lot. Like a lot a lot. Just every once in a great while I become paralyzed and I have to talk myself out of it. Breaking patterns that sometimes even medication doesn’t quite break 100% for me.
It’s good practice I think. Like… saying what I said now, in the previous post. Writing it out, recognizing what I feel, realizing I don’t have to feel that way, getting support and reinforcement, it helps.
Also, a lot of crazy stuff has happened over this really harsh midwest winter that has made me step back and look at myself more. And I guess just now, I am starting to feel comfortable talking about it? :)
gingerhaole said: You kind of hit the nail on the head for a lot of people I know, I think. I was just having this conversation with a friend. I think you’re pretty perfect WITH your various and important flaws, your anger and fear and all.
it’s def something that is not unique to me, for sure.
i’m not sure why i always feel like i have to have it so together. i think it at times makes people feel safe with me? i like being a safe person. i enjoy calmness and calm people and being stable and happiness.
i don’t like stepping on toes.
as i am responding to this, i am dealing with some anxiety (like heartburn, mentally paralyzed, heart racing and am hoping writing it out will make it better give me focus) about a social situation that has happened in the past where i felt responsible for people not getting along and i think about what i could have done to make it better and was it my fault that i wasn’t more aware socially at the time?
i cant be responsible for everyone not liking everyone
why do i make myself feel this way
outwardly i tell myself, whatever it goes on. to people’s face, naw dude, totes okay over here, aint no thang
i’m literally crying inside right now but you sure as shit wouldnt know by looking at me
actually i’ve been unravelling myself as a person for the past 2 weeks or so
ahahahaha ahhhhhh but thank you lily. seriously <3
recent personality critiques:
these 4 attributes come across in my personality because of my intense dislike/fear of being trapped or held to a certain standard i may set for myself inadvertently. so i waffle and hem and haw and wont go one way or another until the very last moment when i can guarantee a safe and advantageous outcome for myself.
it also comes from how intensely i mirror personalities to make my social interactions go smoothly. with one person, i am one way, but can become completely different with another person.
i need to own my feelings and my stances that i choose to make and not worry about what others may or may not think of my hobbies / interests / ideas / desires / goals / dreams / quirks / habits.
i have been working on relaxing and just being me outright with people i meet and am now acquainted with. always at the back of my mind worrying that they will now dislike me. but it’s okay. it’s okay. it’s okay.
just like how I have been streamlining my life materially and aesthetically, I am trying to do so with my personality.
but i also feel people need to recognize that opinions can change and that not all scenarios will have the exact same outcome. and i dunno, what i am getting at exactly, but the world is just not all black and white and it may be cowardly to spend so much of my time hanging out in the gray areas, but heck, it’s a lot easier at times. and with the amount of shit going on all the time, i think it’s okay to just go with easy. (really depends, but i feel like a lot of things can be made easier than they are made out to be and I am being very amorphous here) (typical amber)
hair HAIR HAIR
i’m really into it shiiiiiit :D