Recently, doubledamnit and I were on a walk and she brought up a term for something she previously had no way of describing.
She shared some of her experiences and I kind of understood it to a certain degree. I daydream, but maybe not like how she was doing it. Her imagination and daydreams were more exciting than mine and I didn’t get as lost in mine as she did in hers.
Or so I thought.
Yesterday, I was laying in bed, my knitting in front of me. I was going to be productive. I was going to finish this hat and feel good about accomplishing it. I didn’t need to worry about anything else bothering me in my life. Just do it, do it, do it. In the midst of this mental pump up, I started thinking about driving to work.
Man, it’s a miracle that I make it to work every day on the dangerous road I have to travel.
What if one day, I’m driving and a truck carrying gas explodes? What if I crash and survive?
I then proceeded to play it out like a movie. How I would wake up in the hospital in severe pain. The people who would come to visit me. What they would feel and what flowers they would bring. How my recovery plan for healing would go. Dylan would love me despite my now disfigured body and face. Our children would grow up only knowing my post-accident face and hopefully this would allow them to be more accepting of others. How one day they might be watching Batman and point out innocently, “Mom! you look like Two-Face.” At this point, I actually started crying.
I looked at my phone and over an hour and half had passed.
I realize now that I do this more often than I think. I do it when I feel lonely. I do it when something is upsetting me and I need a different train of thought to keep me from going down the path of anxiety that is based in reality. I do it so I feel like I am getting the attention I constantly crave.
I’m not sure if, for me, it’s completely unhealthy. I know it has been in the past. I would lay in bed for hours and hours as a kid, making up stories or building a fake life for myself to escape the shit reality I lived in.
I made (almost) vegan ((i added butter to the sprouts)) cashew chiptole mac n “cheese.”
dear lord im going to marry myselfTags: #personal
This was my absolute favorite book as a child.Tags: #personal #serendipity
So last night doubledamnit and fifty1guns had us over and we spent over an hour recording phrases, reversing the playback, memorizing how it sounds, and recording ourselves saying shit backwards then playing that in reverse, to see if we were saying the phrases backward correctly and if it would sound like the original phrase.
Ryan was the best at it. He sang the phrase “Welcome to the Hotel California” reversed it, remembered how to say it backwards, recorded himself saying it backwards, then reversed the playback. And Christy was like, “PLAY IT OVER THE ORIGINAL SONG.”
I took this test:
and got lemongrab of course
"You like to lead things and tend to prefer to be in control of as much as you can. You have some very serious goals in life and you are dead-set on achieving them. Your closest friends understand you better than anyone because you share similar dreams and ambitions."Tags: #personal
when someone leaves this place i work, they dont clean out their office and no one else cleans it out. so there are over 10 cubes/offices that are just full of junk
so i want to upgrade from cube to semi/cube office and im like…. sacrifice time at work to clean it out or sac free time so i can have a nice big clean space
oh the inanity
Happy birthday to rocketorca, one of the coolest people I know!
Just realizing ive worked 16 hours a day this past week (including my commute because i do it for work). Thats 64 hours in 4 days. (I dont get paid for this because i am salaried, they also arent telling me directly i need to work this much but its the only way things get accomplished)
The week prior not as bad still like 12 hours a day. Every night doing extra so I dont drown. I dont take lunch breaks. Im literally pumping out work actual work constantly in between answering questions, meetings, and random stuff like printing out signs for different departments and mounting them.
I even work on the weekends.
And if im not actually doing work. I am planning my strategies for work. Im dreaming about work.
If its not work, im exercising, doing chores, or fulfilling family obligations. I dont see dylan unless its time for bed. And the rare time i see friends/family, i feel guilty or i bring work with me or fall asleep.
And thats where ive been tumblr friends.
I havent felt like ive actually breathed in months. But please dont worry. I am a trooper and am putting forth efforts (when i get the chance) to better my situation.
I cant wait to be a person again! :D