Recently, doubledamnit and I were on a walk and she brought up a term for something she previously had no way of describing.
She shared some of her experiences and I kind of understood it to a certain degree. I daydream, but maybe not like how she was doing it. Her imagination and daydreams were more exciting than mine and I didn’t get as lost in mine as she did in hers.
Or so I thought.
Yesterday, I was laying in bed, my knitting in front of me. I was going to be productive. I was going to finish this hat and feel good about accomplishing it. I didn’t need to worry about anything else bothering me in my life. Just do it, do it, do it. In the midst of this mental pump up, I started thinking about driving to work.
Man, it’s a miracle that I make it to work every day on the dangerous road I have to travel.
What if one day, I’m driving and a truck carrying gas explodes? What if I crash and survive?
I then proceeded to play it out like a movie. How I would wake up in the hospital in severe pain. The people who would come to visit me. What they would feel and what flowers they would bring. How my recovery plan for healing would go. Dylan would love me despite my now disfigured body and face. Our children would grow up only knowing my post-accident face and hopefully this would allow them to be more accepting of others. How one day they might be watching Batman and point out innocently, “Mom! you look like Two-Face.” At this point, I actually started crying.
I looked at my phone and over an hour and half had passed.
I realize now that I do this more often than I think. I do it when I feel lonely. I do it when something is upsetting me and I need a different train of thought to keep me from going down the path of anxiety that is based in reality. I do it so I feel like I am getting the attention I constantly crave.
I’m not sure if, for me, it’s completely unhealthy. I know it has been in the past. I would lay in bed for hours and hours as a kid, making up stories or building a fake life for myself to escape the shit reality I lived in.
I made (almost) vegan ((i added butter to the sprouts)) cashew chiptole mac n “cheese.”
dear lord im going to marry myselfTags: #personal